you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
