There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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