Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
