Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
