I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
