We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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