im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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