I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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