Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
