Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
