I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize