Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
