you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
