y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
