dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
