Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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