Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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