Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
