6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
