After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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