He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
