Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
