So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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