so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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