apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
