Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
