There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
