I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
