You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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