dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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