youre lurking in front of me
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
