My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
