This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
