It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
