I could have mohawked her pubes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
