are you so shy because you have an std?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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