I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
be right there i have to get my cape
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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