Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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