I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
