there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
