do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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