I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
