Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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