I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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