if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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