never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
