he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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