if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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