8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
