I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
