she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You ruined the universe
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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