So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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