i jhust puked up my retainher.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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