Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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