wakey wakey hands off snakey
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
