I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
