who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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