It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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