There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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