i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
